An overseas cell phone company, called Orange, is teaming up with GotWind, a firm that specializes in renewable energy, to create a cell phone charger that's powered by one's dancing. They attach to one's arm and use weights and magnets to provide an electrical current, which charges dead cell phone batteries. OH! By “ones’ dancing.” When I saw “GotWind,” I thought it was powered by something else entirely. “No, I’m not tooting! I’m recharging.” It would be the most fun “recharging” in a crowded elevator. I’m guessing it would be much easier if one was dancing at Taco Johns.

The Ypsilanti, Michigan police recently arrested Frederick McKaney for stabbing his mother with a fork and hitting another woman over the head with a frozen chicken. Cops say the 40 year-old assaulted his mother because she refused to give him money and then cracked his neighbor with 10 pounds of frozen chicken because she made a nasty comment about his behavior. That’ll learn her to lie about him. 10 POUNDS of poultry? That’s more than 1 chicken, there, Col Sanders. That’s the frozen food equivalent of “re-loading.” I wonder if he “winged” her…?

Jake Gyllenhaal has moved in with Reese Witherspoon. A source says they may get married. "Marriage is definitely what they are working toward. They literally don't want to spend any time away from each other." That’ll fix that. Becoming marital conjoined twins is the quickest way to wanting to spend any time away from each other. He’ll find they’re Siamese twins, joined at the head. Her mouth to his ear. And, somehow, his dirty, smelly socks to her nose. Only a skilled divorce lawyer will be able to successfully separate them now.

At first glance, it looks just like a cell phone. But when you look at it closer, it's clearly not. It's actually a stun gun meant to harm someone at close range, with the touch of a button.

According to search warrants filed after what investigators call one of the county's largest ever drug busts, when narcotics investigators walked into at least two of the houses of the alleged drug dealers they found a cell phone stun gun. Yeah? I’ve gotten cell-phone bills that are actually very powerful laxatives. “Wow! That’s HOW MUCH!? Uh-oh…”

Gassily Yours,

Whiplash

1st, it was Tim Russert. Then, my beloved George Carlin. As we all know, celebrity deaths come in 3's. Who's next? Place your bets...I guessin Big Ed McMahon. Have you seen him lately? He made Larry King look young, vibrant and robust on his show. I'm hoping for Ryan Seacrest, but...

Seeeeeeeeacreeeeeesssst OUT. Forever.

- The Pennsylvania police recently arrested Todd Coleman for buying alcohol for two 14- and 16-year-old girls. He said he purchased Vodka and two six-packs of Raspberry Smirnoff because he needed gas money. Who does he think he is? Michael Jackson? Unless you’re “The King Of Pop,” you got no business supplying minors with liquor. Or, you know, you're one of the winos from my old neighborhood, who used to buy us beer when we were teens. A 5-pack of “Old Milwaukee Light” cost us $10. When we turned legal, imagine our surprise when we discovered beer actually comes in 6-packs, and that many liquor store owners pay you to take “Old Milwaukee Light.”

- British teens are using Google Earth to find pool homes to swim in. Once they locate a house they like they send out a My Space bulletin and invite their friends to skinny-dip with them at night. In Wausau and Sheboygan, it’s just “dip.” Oh, they’re nude…just not “skinny.”

- Russian billionaire Dmitry Rybolovlev, who made his money from selling fertilizer, has purchased Donald Trump's West Palm Beach home for $100 million. Wow. SELLING #2. That’s a salesman, right there. Selling ice to an Eskimo, is nothing like selling someone #2, when they KNOW they’re BUYING #2. The Donald no doubt uses it to fertilize whatever it is he’s growing on his head as hair. He doesn’t get a “hair cut.” He “harvests the crop.” Hopefully, whatever is swept off the floor, is then baled, and shipped to starving children in impoverished countries. Trump Wheat. Used to make delicious "Trump Hair Flakes." Yum.

Jeffrey Barrier was arrested on Saturday for using a camera phone to snap shots of women while they were tanning at Cincinnati's Aloha Tanning. A 35 year-old woman called cops after she saw the 41 year-old standing on a chair looking down into her booth. When cops arrived, Barrier tried to hide the phone between his butt cheeks. He was charged with disorderly conduct. I wonder if it snapped a pic, there? “That’s me at the tanning booth. That’s the cops.” “What’s that”? “Hmm. I don’t know. I don’t recall ever being in The Chunnel.” His “iPhone,” is now “Charmin.”  

Yours in decadence,

The Donald

In a July 22, 1972 file photo Milwaukee Police officers lead comedian George Carlin off the Summerfest grounds in Milwaukee, Wis. He was arrested after using allegedly profane language during his act at Summerfest. He used seven words he said could not be used on television. A publicist for George Carlin says the legendary comedian has died of heart failure at a hospital in Santa Monica, Calif., Sunday June 22, 2008. NO! You know how some stranger's deaths seem more personal than others? This one certainly does. I don’t know George Carlin. Never met the man. But when I saw the headline, it was like seeing someone near to me had died. I used to listen to George’s albums in the basement with the door closed, cuz my mom didn’t want me listening to George Carlin. I can still rattle off “The Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say On Television,” right off the top of my head. I used to daydream that, when I finally "made it," and was being interviewed by James Lipton on "Inside The Actor's Studio," and he asked THE question from Bernard Pivot, "What is your favorite curse word?" I would reply, "There are seven," and let them fly. Some guys had their dad’s “nudie” deck cards, or “National Geographic” or, the very lucky ones, a “Playboy” hidden under their mattresses. I had my George Carlin albums there. My dad was a logger, so my personal favorite “Headlines” was “And a man with a chainsaw has been hit by a fallen tree…” God speed George, even though you claimed to not believe in him. By the way, if you see him, ask if he can “make a rock so big, he himself can’t lift it”? Genius.

Let's Party!

Richard Pryor

When a county declares a new “No Wake Zone,” and its Main Street, that’s never as good as you hope. “No Docking On This Side Of  The Street” signs, also bad. My hope for you is that the next time you utter the words “sand-bagger,” you’re talking about a “ringer” in your tavern softball league.

SUMMER is here! I saw a tree with a red leaf. SUMMER is OVER! Hope you enjoyed it.

Love,

Autumn

I continue to pray for all of you still fighting flood waters. Hopefully, you’ll never have to touch another sand bag. And that your foot will touch the surface of Mars before another levee.

Wouldn’t it be funny if Tiger hurt his knee…on Javon Walker’s face? C’mon! You were beaten WITH A SHOTGUN in your fancy-shmancy hotel room? And then dragged unconscious OUTSIDE, with NO ONE noticing, and left for dead sans $100,000 worth of bling? Dude. Number 1, unless its Super Bowl rings, no man should be wearing 100g’s worth of jewelry. And B, just say you were outside talking to a “pro.” We’d buy that. You could even argue that you were just trying to help her. You know who else helped a “pro”? Jesus. By the way, does Favre have an alibi for that night?

Many same-sex marriages are ending, and many more aren’t happening at all. Gay men and lesbians say the early wave of weddings reflected "pent-up demand" from long-standing couples. The subsequent numbers indicate that "marriage isn't for everybody," said Mary L. Bonauto, a lawyer who argued the case that led to same-sex marriage being legalized in Massachusetts. Umm. DUH! Y’all were like the marriage back-up quarterbacks. You watched us from the sidelines for years, watching how we played the game. If you were behind, (sorry) the nuptual's Trent Dilfer and Tony Banks and Danny Wuerffel, you saw how NOT to play the game. Then one bright shining day, YOU GOT TO GO IN! You got to be under center, (sorry again) and play! Then you found out the truth. It’s a grind. Its not easy play the position every day every day every day. Suddenly having a 300 pound man wanting to land on you all the time isn’t as fun as you thought it would be. So, if you’re now out of the Marriage League…SHAME ON YOU! You should’ve taken better notes in that clipboard you were holding all those years before.

Best Wishes,

Jeff Garcia